how you remind me

"It was just hard to watch, and not be able to do anything about it," the redhead murmured, her voice taking on a broken edge. "You know what the worst part is? I was meant to die, not my parents. Those people wanted to kill me, but..." she trailed off, doing her best to control the tears that was threatening to spill.

Gwen nodded her head, unable to face the professor. "I've chanted that saying enough number of times, but it just isn't enough anymore." All the days she spent crying, didn't seem so far away. She could be fierce and emotionless when she needed to be, her job required that.

Yet, there were times when even she needed a breakdown as well.

"You do not know me Marianne, you do not know what I've done," she told quietly with a shake of her head. "I am not exactly the world's best person, deep down there is a hatred for the things I was forced to do."

At the brunette's reaction, it was Gwen's turn to blush lightly and she dropped her hold on the ex-Priduex's hand. Instead of answering however, she decided to listen to her racing heart for once, and pressed her lips to Marianne's gently.

Opening her mouth to say something - anything - she closed it again. Gwen's words reverberated over and over in her head. I was meant to die, not my parents. How could anything she could say make that better? All that guilt that she had to feel - it outweighed anything Mari ever had. So instead of saying anything, she simply wrapped her arms around her friend, hugging her tightly.

Her grip on the redhead tightening, she swallowed hard against the lump in her throat. "Then -" I'll be enough. Blinking at the thought, she shook it away. "Then we'll find something that'll work. I swear, we will." Nodding, Marianne continued to absentmindedly chew on her lip.

"I know you well enough," she said softly, "to know that whatever you've done, you didn't want to. You said it yourself: you hate what you've done. Gwen, we all have things that we did - or didn't - that make us hate ourselves. And that makes us human. That makes us - us." She offered a small smile.

She continued to stare at Gwen, seeing her actions but not really understanding what she was doing until she was kissing her. Her blush deepening, for a moment she didn't react, stunned. She was kissing her. Someone was actually kissing her.

Slowly, she raised her hands to cup Gwen's face and kissed her back.

The redhead simply hugged back, her grip on the brunette tightening with each hold. She couldn't recall the last time all these words had spilled from her mouth, that too in front of someone else. She had tried to get specialized help, but nothing could erase the traumatic emotion she felt thereafter what she had seen.

"I don't think there is anything," Gwen whispered with a shake of her head, as though she had already her level best to move on and forget. If anything, it was that she was exhausted from trying, from running away from a past that led to the present web of lies she was weaving.

But some things just had to be done, no matter what the consequences.

"I'm still doing it Marianne, I'm still lying to people," she sighed, running her fingers through her hair. "If I tell the truth now, I'll be losing another family that has learnt to love me. Other than my identity, I'm not really hiding anything else."

Gwen was just about ready to pull back,worried that perhaps she had been too forward, but she nearly let out a sigh of relief as she kissed her back. She placed her hand on her neck, pulling the brunette and effectively deepening the kiss.

Is this what it felt like to be kissed by someone she adored? If so, she had to admit that it was simply amazing.

After a few moments, the redhead pulled away, still not loosening her hold on Marianne, thumb gently stroking the skin against her neck. "I hope that wasn't too bad," she mumbled with a sheepish smile, feeling almost embarrassed to look at the woman in front of her.

She ran her hand around Gwen's back in circles, trying desperately to come up with something to say. But nothing came to mind. Chewing on her bottom lip, she looked up at her, her lips moving but no sound coming out. She simply shook her head, holding her closer to her.

"C'mon now," Marianne murmured, shaking her head as well. "You have to be positive. Look on the bright side, right?" She attempted a smile. "It's us, I'm sure we can find something." She wouldn't stop, wouldn't rest until she'd made Gwen feel better.

She couldn't fail at this.

"If they love you," she stepped closer to Gwen, shaking her head slightly. "if they really do, then they'll be happy that you told them the truth. You won't lose them, you'll be closer to them." She nodded in emphasis. How could anyone hate Gwen? From Marianne's point of view, she was simply amazing.

Kissing. When was the last time she'd actually - well, there'd been Adria, but she hadn't kissed back. People didn't kiss her back. She'd kissed boys before, but that was different. Girls didn't kiss her back.

But Gwen was and it was strange but a good kind of strange. It was comforting and nice and everything a kiss should be.

Blinking for a few moments once Gwen had pulled away, slightly dazed, she shook her head slowly, and then once her words had sunk in, she shook her head faster. "No. No. That wasn't bad at all."

Continuing to shake her head, she stared at Gwen, her lips curling upwards into a grin.

No matter how hopeless the redhead felt, she could see that the professor was doing her best to make her feel better. Why was it so hard, though? Feeling comforted was supposed to be one of the best feelings in the world, was it not? But right at this moment, she just felt bleak.

Yet she knew she had to show appreciation and gratitude for Marianne's efforts.

"I apologize for being so difficult," Gwen told softly, feeling embarrassed. "I am usually more composed and in control, but talking about family never fails to get me going." At the brunette's next words however, she was surprised. "It's us? You mean...you're not going to leave? Oh, that's very nice."

She shook her head once more and told in a whisper, "I am not a part of them Marianne, they just think that I am." Lying to Arya's family about her identity and pretending to be her was the hardest thing ever, but how could she shatter the family by telling them that their daughter was dead?

They had already lost a child, they did not need to lose another.

"Thank you for being the first girl I've kissed," Gwen murmured, a blush covering her skin. Unable to stop herself, she raised her hand and gently cupped the ex-Priduex's cheek and leaned her forehead against hers.

The redhead felt calm and completely at ease; something she hadn't felt in a while. "You are simply amazing," she found herself saying to the brunette quietly, but simply smiled for real instead of feeling out of place for saying so.

"You're not being difficult," Marianne shook her head desperately. Gwen was grieving. It was normal and to be expected that just a few words wouldn't fix her. "I know how you feel. I've lost people too. You're not being difficult. You're just hurting."

Marianne had never really stopped hurting, not after Destan's death.

Tilting her head, her expression clouding over in confusion, she opened her mouth to question Gwen on just what she was talking about before snapping her mouth shut. She didn't want to ask. If Gwen wanted to tell her, than she would.

"If they think you're part of them, isn't that a good thing?" Wasn't it? People accepting you was good.

Giggling softly, the laughter somewhere between shock at what had just happened and a feeling of giddiness, she said, "You're welcome."

So, did this mean that Gwen actually liked her? Just thinking about that sent a swarm of butterflies aflutter in her stomach. And her words didn't help the feeling. Blushing a deep scarlet, Marianne shook her head slightly. "I'm really not. I just - me."

The redhead couldn't help but feel a sudden surge of strength and determination. How long could she grieve for something that nearly fifteen years ago? Though the images were fresh in her mind, she realized that she had never really tried to move on. She was purposely being stuck on the same track and it was only hurting her more.

No matter how much Gwen wanted to express her gratitude to the woman in front of her, she couldn't find the words. Instead, she wrapped her arms around the brunette and held on to her as though she might disappear any second.

"Please don't leave me."

At Marianne's question, the ex-Angelique froze, before remembering that she didn't know her story. "It's part of a long tale," she joked weakly and gave a shake of her head. "It is kind of horrible, and I have ruined our time together as it it. Something to be told another day."

"Yes, but being you means simply amazing and more," she stated and a grin crossed her lips, one that didn't contain any remorse or sadness. Placing her finger under the brunette's chin so she'd look at her, Gwen told softly, "Really, do not let anyone think anything less of you. I am probably sounding biased, but it is the truth."

The redhead added, "I happen to like you a lot, Marianne. And I absolutely would not blame you for not reciprocating my feelings, but I thought you should know."

She wrapped her arms around Gwen as well, a bemused smile tugging ather lips. Leave? That wasn't an option to her. Gwen was her friend. She couldn't leave her here, not like this. Marianne couldn't fail her. She couldn't fail anyone else again. Maybe she had some obsessive need to not make the same mistake she'd made all those years ago, but she just couldn't leave someone when they needed her.

What sort of person would that make her?

"I won't," she said softly, shaking her head furiously. "I can't. You're my friend. Abandoning you in your time of need wouldn't make me a very good one, now would it?" Despite herself, a little wry smile danced its way across her face.

"I have time," Marianne replied, shrugging her shoulders slightly. "I have all summer, really." Summer was one of the best reasons for being a professor. All of her friends who weren't professors had to work instead of being able to enjoy all this beautiful weather. "You haven't ruined this," she said softly, shaking her head. "I've gotten to know you a little better. That's not a bad thing."

She was a firm believer in the idea that knowing and understanding someone could only do good.

"Another time," she agreed, nodding her head.

Blushing again at her words, Marianne felt a bubble of happiness beginning in her chest. "Thank you," she managed to squeak out, cheeks still flushed red. "The only one who seems to think less of me is me," she murmured, meeting the other woman's gaze. She'd always been told by just about everyone what a great person she was.

She just hadn't gotten around to believing it.

Marianne blushed again. She liked her. She actually liked her. When had another girl ever liked her? She grinned, unable to actually believe it. And she...she liked Gwen too, didn't she? She hadn't really realized it, not when she'd been trying to get over Adria, but now she wanted to smack herself for not realizing it sooner.

There was just something about the way her heart fluttered whenever she looked at her.

"I like you too," she said softly, a slow grin pulling at her lips. Leaning towards Gwen, she pressed her lips against hers.

"It's not like I would hold anything against you if you did want to leave," the redhead mumbled with a shrug of her shoulders. "I do not usually tell my sorrows out loud and whenever I do get a panic attack, I tend to keep it to myself." She hated confiding in people and for as long as she could remember, she had been taking care of herself just fine. "But thank you, I appreciate you staying."

A small grin made it's way across Gwen's lips on hearing the brunette's response. Could she dare to hope to spend a few of those days with Marianne? If yes, it would certainly be the most amazing thing ever. "All summer sounds good. If you really want to know, we can choose to meet up another day and I will tell you."

She prayed to Merlin that she wasn't making a mistake in bestowing her trust to the woman in front of her. Of course, from the time they have spent together, she knew the professor was indeed a wonderful person. Still, she could not help the inkling in her mind, that tiny voice that warned her to be careful.

For once, she ignored it.

"In that case, I apologize that you got to know me in such a tragic state," Gwen joked weakly, though her eyes were slowly regaining their original brightness. "If you feel the same after what I reveal to you, it would be the most miraculous things ever."

The ex-Auror shook her head, a smile on her face as she noticed Marianne's blush. "As long as you are willing to have me around, I will make sure you do not think low of yourself ever again," she promised. Maybe it was because she was so sick of thinking bad things about herself, that she could not stand to see the brunette make the same mistake.

Too late for her or not, she could definitely change the professor's mind at least.

Gwen's eyes widened slightly on hearing the other woman's confession and she knew she could literally feel an elation in her heart; one she had never felt before. Like most situations such as these, she was left speechless, though that didn't seem to be a problem as Marianne kissed her.

Placing one of her hands at the ex-Priduex's waist, the redhead pulled her closer and deepened the kiss slightly. Everything else seemed like a million miles away and all she could focus on the amazing feeling that was being spread through her veins. Her other hand reached to cup the brunette's cheek, the touch igniting sparks underneath her fingertips.

"I know," Marianne murmured, sighing softly. "You wouldn't fault me. But I would." Maybe she was too hard on herself sometimes. Maybe she was far too unforgiving with all her faults and all the things she'd done wrong. But she couldn't help it. It was a bad habit and one she just hadn't learned to shake.

Her expression softening, her grip on her friend tightened. "You internalize everything. It's just what you do." A small but not entirely happy smile pulled at her lips. "I'm not that different. I've never liked talking about my problems. I've always been more concerned with everyone else's." It was just how she'd been, even when she'd been young. Other people had come first. "You're welcome."

She grinned back, her heart fluttering from just that smile. "Sure. I'd like that. I really would." Any way to spend more time with Gwen.

"It's fine, really." The woman shook her head slightly. "Aren't we all a little tragic from time to time?" She shrugged her shoulders slightly. She wasn't averse to being sad. Far from it. With everything she'd been through, sometimes she thought it was a blessing that she wasn't a total sobbing wreck. "I won't hate you, Gwen. I couldn't." They were friends, after all. Gwen would have to have done something really awful for Marianne to manage to hate her.

She didn't want Gwen to leave. That was the first thing to come to mind, and she automatically blushed a deeper red. Looking up at her, she simply nodded a reply.

Marianne grinned slightly, unable to help but be amused by the expression on her face. Her arms wrapping around Gwen's neck, she leaned into the kiss. When she was in Gwen's arms, everything felt right. She felt like nothing was ever going to be wrong again.

How could one person make her feel that? She didn't know, but at the same time she didn't care. She just felt pure bliss.

"You should stop being so hard on yourself," Gwen murmured, her hands cupping the brunette's cheeks. "It is alright to think about your own things once in a while." Initially, it had been hard for her as well, but she was indeed used to it by now. Though in truth, she was just tired of being take advantage of.

Taking in a deep breath, she looked into Marianne's eyes. "What if I do not want to internalize everything anymore? C-Can I trust you? I really want a-and I want you to feel t-that I'm willing to listen to your p-problems too."

She was almost embarrassed at the nervousness in her voice. But one could hardly blame her, for the mere idea of relying on another person terrified her to no extent. Because ultimately, it all lead to the one feeling she had been avoiding all her life.

Love.

"Tragedy strikes yet again," she smiled humourlessly. "But yes, I suppose you are right. Sadness is just one of those many emotions that is out of our control." Gwen did hope that the professor wouldn't hate her, though she doubted it.

Because, though it might have been an accident, she was the reason a person had died.

All the negative thoughts were wiped away from the redhead's mind on seeing Marianne's nod and she felt a loosening in her chest. The ex-Angelique had no problem in staying, she meant the words she just said. She was willing to stick around for as long as the brunette needed her to.

Pulling back only slightly, her grip on the other woman didn't lessen and neither did the blush on her cheeks. There was something she needed to ask, though Gwen had a feeling she knew the answer. But since this was the first time, she wanted to know for sure before she berated herself for being completely clueless.

"Marianne, will you make me all the more happier and be my girlfriend?"

"I know, I know," she murmured, reaching up to take Gwen's hands in hers. "But it's like a bad habit. Every time I try to stop, I just find myself right back to that same spot sooner or later." It was a vicious cycle, but one that had long since become familiar. "Once in a while seems to be all I can manage," she said honestly, glancing down at her feet.

Meeting Gwen's gaze, she nodded furiously. "Of course you can. You're my friend. I like you. I trust you, and you can trust me." Her lips curled upwards into a grin. The stuttering and the nerves only made her more endearing. Marianne couldn't help but find it adorable. "You'd do that for me?" She whispered, her grin only widening.

The happy feeling in her chest expanded, the rest of her experiencing the giddy feeling. In theory, she'd felt the feeling before. It was the same feeling she'd felt towards other girls before, but none of them as strongly as right now.

Bonnie had told her once to be patient, that she was too amazing to be alone forever. Then, Marianne had laughed it off, pointing out that she wasn't patient. But whether or not she'd been patient, she felt that she just might have found that one person.

"See? There you go. Just believe I'm right all the time, and everything will be fine." She grinned brightly, hoping that Gwen would at least smile at her attempt to be funny.

Looking up at the redhead curiously as she pulled away, Marianne tilted her head slightly. Was she going to go? The idea dampened the happiness that had been all she'd felt for several minutes, but even having just this wasn't a bad thing.

Gwen's words were the last thing she'd been expecting. For a moment, she wondered if she'd just imagined it. But she looked up at her, her brown eyes searching hers. She hadn't just said the words, which all by themselves would have been amazing.

She'd meant them.

"Yes," she choked out, suddenly finding her eyes swimming with tears. "Yes, of course I'll be girlfriend." For once she didn't second guesd herself. There was no waver in her voice, no uncertainty in her wide eyes and no doubt in her grin. She meant her words just as much as Gwen had meant hers.

Stepping closer to her, she brought her lips crashing back onto Gwen's.

Gwen nodded her head in understanding. "Well, I promise to make you realize just how special you are," she whispered, her thmbs gently stroking the brunette's skin beneath her eyes. "It's going to be more than just 'once in a while', that's for sure."

"I'd do anything for you," was the instant reply and the redhead smiled sheepishly. It was a startling realization, but she knew it was the truth. Marianne genuinely did deserve the best and that's exactly what she was going to be.

The ex-Auror chuckled slightly. "Right all the time; someone's getting a little cocky," she teased and played with the ends of the professor's hair. "In dificult situations though, I'd rather believe that you are right."

"Y-You will?" She questioned in a surprised murmur mostly to herself, shaking her head in almost amazement. A part of her felt like this was a cruel trick of the sleep and some sort of twisted nightmare was going to show up any minute.

But she did not want to be negative at the moment. This was one of the glorious moments in her life, one that had never happened before and she wanted to cherish it so much. The words of confirmation from the professor was going to keep playing in her mind for a while.

Grinning slightly against the ex-Priduex's lips, Gwen eagerly responded, already getting accustomed to the feeling of kissing the other woman. Her lips trailed down the brunette's jaw and onto her neck, every inch of skin igniting fires.

"If you want me to stop and continue with our horse riding, I will," she told softly.

She blushed a startling shade of red, her face comparable to Gwen's hair. "You'll give me a horrible ego," she said with a soft giggle. "I'll be intolerable. And it'll be all your fault." Marianne smiled, gently smacking her friend's arm.

"And I'd do anything for you." Would she? The answer was obvious and came to mind as soon as she asked the question. Of course she would. That was simply how Marianne was.

If there was someone in trouble, she'd help them. Act first, ask questions later.

She grinned. A laugh was good. A laugh had been exactly what she was going for. "Good, and I'll try to be as right as often as possible." She only hoped that she could be. If she misled someone - even by accident and something happened to them...

She wasn't sure how she'd live with herself.

"Of course I will." She smiled, a little giggle coming from her throat. Had she ever felt happier? Right now, she didn't think that was possible. There was someone she liked romantically who felt the exact same way back. It was everything she could do to keep herself from yelling this to everyone she knew.

There was something about Gwen's lips on her skin that made her heart race. The thudding the only thing she could hear, her skin tingled underneath the other woman's mouth.

"Horse -? Oh, right! Horses!" She glanced back at the horses, who'd wandered away during their conversation. They hadn't went far, just a few steps away to be in the grass instead of on the path. "If you want," she said, shrugging her shoulders. "I don't know. I could stay here with you all day." Blushing again, she ducked her head slightly.

"You could never be intolerable," the ex-Auror stated with a sly smile and hugged the brunette. "Also, a little bit of ego does not harm especially if it means you have confidence in yourself."

Gwen could not help the surprise and happiness that coursed through her body on hearing the other woman's words. It wasn't very often that she met people who'd do things for her, least of all anything.

If this was what it felt like to be cared for, she knew it was something she could get used to.

"I like it when you giggle," the redhead mumbled mostly to herself, running her fingers through her hair. If she could keep Marianne happy like this at all times, it would simply be the most amazing thing, because in all honesty, a smile on the professor's face was simply beautiful.

A genuine laugh escaped Gwen, "I think the horses are starting to miss us, though." Placing another kiss on the brunette's lips, she told softly, "Can I see you again soon? I think I'm liking spending time with you a little too much."

She had no idea why or what, all she was aware of was the high feeling. A part of her was confused and frustrated that she could not understand this, but for once, she wanted to let go and enjoy it.


Holding Marianne's hand in hers, the ex-Auror walked them back to the horses. "How about we finish this ride and see what happens?" She grinned.

"Thank you," she squeaked out, flushing again. She'd never been used to compliments, but when Gwen complimented her it was as if a whole legion was. Self-confidence. She'd never been exceptionally good at that. Her belief in herself had always been spotty as best. "But too much of an ego's going to end with my head the size of a house." Marianne giggled softly at that idea.

She hugged her back, happy to have her in her arms. The thrill of happiness couldn't even begin to be quantified. There was something just so amazing about being able to have Gwen. If this was what people felt like when they were together, she didn't think she understood how people could give that up.

Marianne blushed. "Thank you," she murmured, chewing on her bottom lip. "I like it when you smile," the woman admitted, a slow smile beginning across her face. "I really do. It just lights up your face and your eyes sparkle."

Beautiful didn't begin to describe her.

Pressing her grinning lips back against the redhead's, she pulled away, glancing back over at the horses. "They do look a little sad," she murmured, her compassion towards all animals leaking into her voice. Taking one of Gwen's hands in hers, she squeezed softly. "Of course. I wouldn't have it any other way."

The idea of not being able to see her again almost physically hurt.

Reaching up to press a soft kiss to her cheek, she nodded in agreement. "I like that idea. Time with you is time well spent."