Numb

Crossing his legs underneath him, Julian stared blankly at all the food around him. The food at Beauxbatons was always good. When he wasn't here, he was almost always craving it. Practically every time he was hungry and didn't want candy (which he had a nagging suspicion was coming from Karma), it was the kitchens he stole to.

But now he couldn't even do that. Frowning, he rubbed the back of his neck. If he didn't show up in the Dining Hall on a regular basis, he'd have two very angry and concerned Angeliques to report to. 

But just because he was here didn't mean he was going to eat. Couldn't they see, that this was the only way to get better? It was simple really, for a week, he'd stop eating, only drinking water because he'd be dead in three days without it. And then, slowly but surely, he'd wean himself back on food and he'd be good as new and like all of this had never happened. 

Turning his gaze away from the table, he tapped his fingers steadily against it, gaze turning towards the entrance. Maybe someone of interest would show up. 

Why was it he always seemed to be falling one place or another? It was always like this - he'd be doing perfectly well navigating from place to place, maybe recognize a tapistry or painting, and then-

It was a miracle he'd made it to the Dining Hall before his next class had started. He may have been tall and all that which made him seem like someone who knew what was what, but really he had no clue what any of this meant. Heck, half the time he didn't even remember that this was a magical school, even though the hints were everywhere.

Just another place where he was ignored, like he meant nothing.

Even with the feeling of their eyes on him - the girls liked watching him, probably because of the way he walked weird, or maybe they saw the bruises he hid underneath his shirt - he still felt like he had the words 'worthless' printed all over his shirt. Maybe that's why it was the color it was. Maybe it had overlapped so many times it gave the illusion of being a solid color.

Even with this knowledge, he was not sad. It was simply a truth. Might as well accept it and try to keep living. This was the sole rebellion the boy had ever known; by existing, he was going against everything anyone had ever beaten into him. His rebellion was his life, and he'd be damned if he would let it be a sad one.

Blinking around the room, he made his way toward the emptiest section of the room, frowning as his eyes caught on someone familiar. Fidgeting, he moved to stand beside the boy, staring down at the bench as if it would jump out and bite him.

"Julian?" He asked. "Can I- sit?"

Dropping his gaze from the door to glance down with a start at the cat who'd made her way into his lap, Julian shook his head slightly, running a hand through Nightmare's glossy black fur as the kitten-sixed Familiar purred contently.

Humming along to her purring absentmindedly, he glanced up, noticing how almost every girl's eye seemed trained...following their collective gazes, his blue gaze fell on Zander. Waving to his classmate as he approached, Julian smiled.

"Yeah, of course. You don't need to ask, really. I don't bite." Running his tongue along his teeth absentmindedly, he gave the room one last look around before resting his gaze on the Angelique male. "Enjoying it here so far?"

He didn't like their scrutiny, the way their eyes followed him. He didn't like it at all. He almost tried to shrink again, but Ondrea had said to stay upright, so upright he stayed, even when sitting on the bench beside the other boy.

"I suppose it's nice." He said softly, reaching for a soft looking pastry and raising it to his mouth. He didn't miss the collective inhale the females in the room took, and it gave him pause. He looked around, confusion flitting over his face, but none of them seemed to be looking at him anymore.

"That's odd." He mused, frowning around before biting into the pastry. The collective giggle confused him all the more, but he supposed it had nothing to do with him. Even though he had the sneaking suspicion it wasn't about anything but him, he was probably just being paranoid.

He'd never noticed until now (and maybe it was because it was only now that it bothered him), but the Angelique was taller than him. Frowning a little down at the plates around him, Julian took a deep breath. Was he really going to be annoyed at someone for something they couldn't control? How petty of a person was he?

Raising an eyebrow at all the girls around them, he turned back to Zander with a shake of his head, "Good." At least someone's having a good year.

"Them, you mean?" Julian asked, gesturing around at all the girls who only had eyes for Zander. Ignoring the pangs that could easily be attributed to being jealous of the other boy, he shrugged, running a hand through Nightmare's fur. "They like you. I would know, -" they used to look at me like that. "-my best friends are all girls."

"Do your best friends like me too?" He asked, disbelief evident in his voice. Well... he supposed the girls must only like his height, it was the only thing he had going for him. "Oh. Your friends. Ninette, Ondrea, and Lisette?" He nodded. "They are very nice." He nodded again, finishing his pastry before searching his mind for something - anything - to talk about. What did books say boys talked about? Well... girls. But they were already doing that...

"Kisses." He decided, out loud, to his horror. "They are very good at kissing, your friends, yes?"

"I think so," Julian shrugged. It was true that none of them had said anything negative about their housemate, but they hadn't said anything positive either. But he was pretty sure that if Lissy or Nine disliked Zander, he'd never hear the end of it.

Glancing up at the boy, the prefect tilted his head, "Though, Ondrea's great and everything, she's not one of my best friends. We only really started talking last year. Nine and Lissy, we've been best friends since first year." Shrugging again, a little smile flitted across Julian's face. "They are, aren't they? At least, most of the time." He hadn't forgotten Ninette throwing a plate at his head.

Raising an eyebrow, Julian watched Zander curiously. Should he be surprised that they'd all kissed him? But with all the attention the Angelique received, he couldn't exactly say that. Ignoring the cold feeling that seemed to seep through him and nagging little voice that told him that all his friends were going to eventually choose Zander over him, he nodded, his voice steady despite the silent battle going on in his head. "Among other things, yes."

Zander blinked at the boy, confusion evident in his expression again. He watched the other boy carefully, before he recognized the emotion Julian was trying to hide. He saw it quite clearly, but understanding was not forthcoming. Why would Julian Rousseau, boy who had nearly everything Zander himself had ever wished for, be feeling... that? If not for his confidence in reading people, the Angelique would think he was crazy, and though Dawson knew in his heart he was worthless, at least he knew he was sane.

"Julian?" He asked, his voice small as he focused back on his empty plate. "You needn't be jealous of me. I can promise that everything you wish to have of mine is an illusion, and if it is actually here, it won't be for long." Pushing another pastry onto his plate, he placed an apple danish onto Julian's. "You should eat. Your thinness will begin to wane on your immune system soon enough. It won't be pleasant."

Meeting Zander's gaze for a moment, Julian ducked his head, staring blankly down for a moment before glancing around, looking for someone, something, to distract him from the boy beside him. Around him, Julian felt vulnerable, like the other boy could read him like an open book.

And that terrified him.

At the sound of his name, he glanced back over at the brunet, his mouth suddenly dry. "And why do you say that?" he asked, his voice a shaking whisper. He wasn't going to deny his claim, not when he feel it written all over his face. It made him feel a criminal, already condemned to life.

Glancing down at the addition of food to his plate, he shook his head. He wanted it, he'd be lying if he said he didn't. Every cell, every fibre of his being craved food, but he wasn't going to let himself throw it up again. "I've always been thin." The lie could work, after all Zander hadn't known him for years, unlike practically everyone else. "I'll be fine, and I'm not hungry anyway. Already ate."

"I am observant." He said softly. "I'm sorry if I offended you." He really should keep his observations to himself, but sometimes he just couldn't keep it in.

"One danish is not going to kill you." He siad firmly. "I read a lot. I can recognize things, alright? We don't have to talk about it." He shrugged, picking up his own pastry with his fingers and taking a bite. "You have not eaten. Or you would not be looking at it as if it was the very first and last thing you have ever wanted in your life. I have seen alcoholics look at booze after a clean week with less passion." He took another bit of his pastry, licking it off his fingers slowly, blinking around as the girls in the room all seemed to focus on him again. "If not for me, do it for them. They like to watch us eat, yes? I do not understand it, really, but they do. It is like a game."

"You haven't." Julian said with a shake of his head. "Trust me," a tiny bubble of laughter was making its way up his throat, "I'm not an easily offended person. Just bruised." Laughing as if it wasn't a serious matter, he grinned.

He did not - did he look at food at that way? Then maybe he needed to stay out of the dining hall, whether or not he'd get dragged there or yelled at. There could be people just as observant as Zander around, and not as kind. The mention of alcohol bringing a frown to his lips, his thoughts careening towards his father, he quickly shook his head. Anything other than that.

Glancing around the room for a moment, eyes scanning but not stopping on any girl, he frowned slightly. He was doing this to make himself better and there wasn't a girl in this school who mattered more to him than himself. But with a glance down at Nightmare and sideways at Zander, Julian knew he wasn't going to get out of this without taking at least a bite.

Rolling his eyes and blaming the boy beside him if he wasted away, he gave the Danish a long look before slowly raising it to his mouth and taking a bite.

He didn't notice or care about the girls around. He was suddenly much more concerned about the food around him.

Zander smiled hesitantly back, grinning around the fingers in his mouthbefore he picked up another pastry. "I am sure you have your own plan for, you know." He said, with a small frown. "I do not wish to infringe, it is just... I worry for you, sometimes. You needn't eat more than the bite, if you so desire." His eyes followed the Prideux's around the room, and he blinked at just how many girls seemed to like Julian too. He had been right, then. He was only an attraction until he was known here. Then, he was absolutely sure, they qould go back to their regular entertainment.

"Can you explain something to me, Julian?" He asked suddenly, his eyes going down to his plate. "I do not understand why they stare. Ondrea said I was tall, and attractive, but I do not see it. How can I flaunt something that I can not see? I can not pretend to have something I do not, can I? Isn't that like lying?"

The boy he barely knew worried about him? That was sweet, Julian begrudgingly had to admit as he swallowed his first bite of food in far too long. Staring down at the pastry in between his fingers, he glanced back at Zander, giving him a small smile, "Thanks, I guess, but you don't have to worry about me. There are already enough people doing that."

Looking back around them, actually paying attention to the expressions on the girls' faces, he shook his head. In a different frame of mind, he might have winked at one of them, but he was too busy wondering whether or not to take another bite. He shouldn't, he knew that, but Nightmare looked almost happy when he glanced down at her. Just one pastry, he decided, and then I swear I won't eat for a week.

Nodding slightly to himself, he was about to devour the Danish as fast as he could before he remembered all the girls around. If this was going to be the last thing he ate for a while, why not enjoy it? And if he could offer a show at the same time, then it'd be a win-win for everyone.

Taking a bite, a small smile graced his features, and he slowly swept his tongue across his lips. Smirking at the collective little sigh from the girls, he glanced over at Zander at the sound of his name. "Well," Julian said slowly, setting the pastry down on his plate, giving his sticky fingers a momentary frown. "You are tall, I can say that without - well, I wouldn't be lying if I said you were attractive - not that I think you're attractive, but -" Shaking his head rapidly, he sighed, "I can see why girls would find you attractive.

"Girls tell me I have beautiful eyes all the time," the Prideux admitted with a little shrug, "I can't stand them, but if they think it, then I guess it's their opinion. If people think you are or have something, eventually it's not going to matter if you do or not. That's what everyone's going to think when they think of you, so why not make their dreams reality and play the part? And maybe sooner or later, you'll see what it is that they see."

"You should not sound so against so many caring for you." He said softly, studying yet another pasty he'd sat before himself. "It is a gift, yes? You should not try to return it." Picking at the pasty, he stuck his fingers in his mouth again, drawing them out slowly, completely missing the collective hitch in breath around him.

"It is like we are in a play." He observed. "It does not matter who the actor thinks he is, as long as the crowd cheers for the character." He frowned slightly, taking another careful bite, licking the powdered sugar off his lips once he was done chewing. He've had to be deaf to miss the giggle it caused. "I do not know if I wish to live this way. I am not much, but surely myself is enough?" He didn't even like himself. Perhaps he would like the boy everyone thought he was better. If it was a self fullfilling prophecy they wanted, perhaps it was what he should become.

"It's not that I don't like them caring." Julian explained slowly, his tongue running across his lips absentmindedly, though his lips did twitch upwards at the little sigh emitted from the girls around. "I do. It's just -" they're better off with you. "sometimes their caring's a little smothering."

He ignored that little nagging voice that muttered that their caring was the only caring he got, instead glancing around him for - there. Grinning, he pulled the bowl of ice cream towards him, forgetting the promise he'd just made to himself.

"You don't have to," Julian shrugged, swirling his fingers around the vanilla ice cream, licking it off, the giggling from the girls going straight to his head, "It's your life, right? Live it the way you want."

Nodding, he stuck his fingers back into his mouth, closing his eyes as he pulled each finger out slowly, letting out a soft moan, his blue eyes slowly blinking back open to scan the crowd of girls.